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Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
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11:41 pm - Very very sleeeeepy.
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*looks at ceiling* Apparently, I'm not gangsta, I'm just ghetto.
Anyway, with that out of the way, I think I'll go to bed to prepare for tomorrow, which will largely be spent in preparation of the day after, when I move.
I love you all!
--D
current mood:  dorky
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| Monday, January 31st, 2005
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9:16 pm
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I've been thinking a lot lately... just a lot of noise in my noggin'. I'm mostly content, really, with things. I have an object of affection to flirt with, which keeps me from being too bad *grin* for the most part. I have a job that pays the bills *frown* for the most part. And I'm mostly doing okay. God never stops amazing me at how utterly awesome He is. See... I keep wondering why people think that Jesus needs a salesman. I mean, that's the whole concept of "evangelizing" to your friends, right? But rather than being a community of acceptance and love, the Jesus people have become more like the borg. Resistance is futile. *grimace* That makes me slightly nauseated. I mean, for me, God is the guy I can't wait to get home to. He's the reason I'm always home. He's an inextricable part of my life. He's closer to me than skin and far more important. Now... if I could figure out that I'M okay, that attitude would be an excellent witnessing tool.
I guess the problem is that last statement. After all, if the God who set in motion the stars and brushes the bluebird's feathers in the breezes can love me in my entirety, even pine for me when I am away from Him, how could I be anything but wonderful? Perhaps that biting, painful, corrosive feeling of insufficiency is what Paul meant by the thorn in his side. I don't know much about theology, but I feel that I can never be prideful. In my head, I know that I am an incredible person. I know that I am smart, witty, funny, talented, and interesting. I know in my head that meeting me is a unique experience for most people with whom I end up being friends. In my head. But hearing a compliment, it sets that stupid head of mine awhirl. I get so angry. It's like being complimented makes me feel... betrayed? Eh, it's so weird.
And I feel as though I have absolutely no authority to speak in any matter, save when I'm talking to people I know very well. Bah, not even with those I know. I can't even suggest a place to eat half the time after church. I think that's part of what bothers me with people like Jeremy. From where does he acquire that sense of utter authority? Why does he feel as though he can do anything? Is it simply because he's found that he never gets in trouble for doing exactly as he pleases? And does that sense of authority come automatically with that devil-may-care attitude about everything? After all, he seems to care for little. Perhaps it is all a matter of the price you're willing to pay for what you get. I feel little authority to speak in matters, even matters I am well certain of, but I care deeply for people and for how events turn out.
I find it strange, however, the eroded sense of self I've developed. After all, for the most part, I've always been one of the most intelligent people I've known. It's not anything I've worked for, I don't have any reason to be prideful about it, but it should lend itself to a certain sense of... well, certainty. And yet, I find it very difficult to assert myself in almost any situation. Or rather, I find it difficult to assert myself any more than the person to whom I'm speaking. I remember there have been people I've met who were extremely assertive, and they didn't bowl me over. They only just won disagreements. And yet, even those who are not very assertive win disagreements with me. Not because they are right, but because I'm not willing to assert my will over them. I think I should learn how to do that without feeling bad. I DO have quite a bit to offer in most conversations and relationships. *frown*
Eh, however. I suppose I'll get that later. It's something I'll pick up, like a person learns piano. Practice, time, and latent talent. *grin* Those are anagrams of each other. I hadn't thought of that.
But I ramble, which means it's probably time to go to sleep. *blink blink* Yeah... sleep...
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| Monday, January 24th, 2005
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10:30 pm
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You know, blog... I think you and I should have a better relationship. It's been a while since the last post, and I've got a lot of junk on my mind. Sometimes, a purge is necessary.
I've been thinking about getting back into my writing. It's not like I don't have a bunch of ideas, and I actually have a coherent storyline right now that I just need to flesh out before I can have a finished product. I could whip up a good novel (or at least a novelette, perfect for the teen section at Barnes and Noble) in about a month. But that would be if I would actually work on the bugger. But I don't. I don't know why. I think it's again that fear of failure/rejection/insufficiency. If I actually write it, and it's a piece of crap, I'll be devastated. It's the same reason I have stagefright. If I sing for a bunch of people and they hate it, then I know that I'm not any good. *laugh* It's really stupid when you look at it from a logical angle, but people are seldom logical, even the logical ones. *grin*
But I think I'm resolving some of the stupidity issues. After all, if you constantly look at yourself in the light of anyone other than Jesus, you're not really looking at things right. Be perfect, even as He is perfect. In that light, EVERYONE sucks. But He constantly gives us His grace and forgiveness. Every single one of us. There is no one any more or less deserving of the mercy He's shown me. Not Billy Graham, not Marilyn Manson. Doesn't matter. So, what I have to offer, really, is what He's given me. And the same for everyone else. So all I need to worry about is what I'm doing with what He gave me. And I think I'm working through everything else that's holding me back.
And I'm having fun. I'm doing a project with what I now like to call the Hive... Jeremy, Marshall and I. We're doing a video project with a sermon from the late 1800's called Aggressive Christianity (not like, hit people over the head with Jesus, but more, be aggressive with the Gospel and your application of it in your life, though it does tackle some issues about evangelism *shudders at the use of that hated word*). It's an awesome sermon, and I think I'm totally in love with the opening bit... it's all about how, if you examine the early church and think about what should be accomplished by this group of people springing out of the first century, and just allow for the time elapsed, we should be SO much farther than we are. I think she (she being Catherine Booth, the original orator of the sermon) makes an excellent point.
I think not enough attention is paid to the early church in mainstream Christian America today. If you just look at what they accomplished and what they believed... not just in a "my daddy believed this, and I believe what my daddy said" kinda way, but in a "I've seen people miraculously healed, and I know that the God I love did it" kinda way. And the people were healed, and people came into the church, not because they were invited by their friends or some salesman for Jesus came to their door, but because they wanted to know what it's all about. I mean, that's incredible stuff... because, at the core of it all, Jesus doesn't need a salesman. Think about the language of the New Testament. Gospel means GOOD NEWS. It's stuff people want to hear. People want to know about the life and love and peace and healing inherent in the story told by the New Testament. Even from a standpoint absent theological connotations, the story of Jesus is fascinating and wonderful. It's about a man who lived his entire life as a servant to others, telling everyone that they should do the same. It's about using power for good, and spreading joy and peace, and how you should love everyone no matter what. Not the silly hugs'n'puppies love we talk about to day, the stuff of romantic comedy, but real love. The kind of love that lets people be the people they are, even though it hurts you to see them constantly hurting themselves. It's about loving the whole of a person, and finding joy in them. That's the real stuff. And Jesus lived every day with that, and encouraged others to do the same, even dying for his principles.
Well, the story of Jesus ISN'T absent theological connotations. Even better news than "this guy came and he was really cool" is, "this guy came and he was really cool and his life, death, and resurrection allows everyone on the planet to enter into a unique relationship with an unfathomable God of joy and love." I can seriously get behind that. And I don't need someone spouting cliche after cheese-besotted cliche to get me there. The fact is, the Gospel really is good news. If I had to tell everyone on the planet why they needed to hear the gospel, it wouldn't be because they're all immoral scum, which seems too often to be the message shouted at the world from behind church doors to keep them away. It would be because I love them and want to share with them the most incredible discovery I've ever made in my life.
Too often, church people find those who are not as "holy" as they are to be distasteful. How ridiculous. Christians, who follow Christ, will not take up His walk into the slums, caring for those who need it most. God didn't come to earth to hang with people who already knew Him. God never does anything redundant. God came to help people who needed Him desperately, who were dying inside and out because their lives were worth nothing without Him. And people... well, read the bible, folks. Or any historical document. People don't change.
From the time of Adam and Eve to the time of Noah, Abraham, David, Jesus, and today, people are the same. I guarantee you, if you look at the events of the stories, get past all the language that makes the bible seem like dry reading to Christians who are honest with themselves, these stories are full to the brim of people who could have grown up today. The events in the bible are no different, in the end, than things that could happen today. Genocide, war, natural disasters, spies, kings, women, it's all the same.
I don't imagine, then, that if Jesus came back today He'd be playing patty-cake with the pope. I think He'd have some strong words for the Pope and for Jerry Falwell and for every other "religious leader" who lead their flock into paranoia and a "holier than thou" attitude. After all, isn't that EXACTLY what He did while He was on earth? How have we changed? What have we done, exactly, to advance the gospel? How have we altered, even to one degree, the men that God loves?
Fact is, PEOPLE don't change. But a person will. That's the neatest thing about it. I can talk to a person and have them recognize in me a spark of something that seems to make life better. If they realize that it's God, I can show them that piece of my heart that gives me that joy, that bounce in my step, that sense of peace that makes me almost impervious to my surroundings. When that happens, I can share with them all the wonderful things God's shown me, give them a part of the slow revelation that my life has become. And then, they can enter into the perfect communion between banal and divine that makes Christianity such a unique religion. It's awesome. THAT is what "evangelism" at its core is supposed to be about. It's a sharing of wonder and purpose and love. It has nothing to do with telling people they're not cool just because they don't share my dogma. I could care less for dogma. The God who makes me who I am is all I care about.
That's not to say that rules aren't important. On the contrary, Paul talks about the rules in his letters to the various churches of his day. He says that rules are important because they show us just how far we are from what God wants us to be. The Law is impossible to follow because we're human. But God set up this world with underlying rules. It's like gravity. God set up gravity, and it's a marvelous thing. But we, as humans, put ourselves on this stone pedestal, and though gravity is supposed to pull us down, we can no longer be pulled by it because we can't seem to get past this rock. We do the same thing with God's spiritual law. God set up the Law, and it's perfect and it works. But we as humans put sin in our way. And we can't seem to get past the flesh, so it's impossible for us to follow the Law. But it's important.
Eh, but that's all theological junk. I mean, eventually, it's neat to learn, but just because someone loves me doesn't mean they have to understand Shakespeare. And just because I love God doesn't mean I necessarily have to understand the deeper bits of theology. I'd like to, it's awesome to learn and gives me new insight into God, but I don't have to understand it to love Him.
Oh, but I was thinking of something. There's this strange dichotomy in the belief structure of the church regarding mono/polytheism. After all, the line is awfully blurry between whether God is one or three. In fact, He is both. I don't know if I can explain it well, I think it's one of those things that gets glossed over because it's SO hard to put into words, but once you get to know the Big Guy, you start to understand how it can be. Anyway, I was thinking about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit, and it's interesting to me how that setup works. See, the Holy Spirit is piggy-backing around on your heart, constantly whispering to it, hoping all the time that you'll follow His advice because He knows what's best for you. Jesus is sitting beside God, constantly whispering into God's ear about you, about how much He wants mercy for you and good things for you, and God is the arbiter of it all (so far as I understand it), in control of all things. Now none of these is greater than the others in power, because they are all, in reality, one being. So you've got the same God who judges and controls all sitting beside your heart, whispering to you all the time. And when you talk to God, you are generally talking to the Holy Spirit, who intercedes for you with Jesus. Now, this is all kinda a gray area for me, because I have no theological training, but it's awfully cool to think that the same voice which spoke the stars into existence is quietly directing me, and all I have to do is listen, set my feet where the path is already lain.
Anyway, it's about 11 o'clock, and I have to be at work tomorrow, and I think I've been typing really fast for about half an hour, so I've pretty much got a book going on here. I think I'll leave this where it is for now. Next time I feel like I've got to put something to paper (or webspace as it were), I'll come back and finish this mess.
At least now people have some idea of the chaos constantly going on in my head. *grin* It's a mess up in there, I tell ya.
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| Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
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10:14 pm - Haven't updated in a loooong time....
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You know, I wasn't really planning on updating, but... *giggles* I couldn't resist. Not with THIS....
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| Tuesday, May 25th, 2004
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1:39 pm - Quizzes, quizzes, everywhere!
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Britain
?? Which Country Are You From ??
brought to you by Quizilla
You're like a Unicorn!
?? Which Mythical Creature Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Waterfall
?? Which Natural Wonder Or Disaster Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Magic
?? Which Angel Or Demon Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
! You are most Like A Sapphire !
Dark, mysterious - but unforgettable. You have a
deep
beauty. Delicate, and shy you try to stay away from
the
limelight but often your intelligence puts you in
at the
deep end. You're like a Sapphire, because, your
beauty is priceless.
You're intelligent, full of opinions, and not
big-headed about it all.
Sometimes you need to put yourself out there, as
you can be a bit shy.
Congratulations ... You're the mysterious gem
everybody wants to have and learn more about.
?? Which Precious Gem Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Seahorse
?? Which Creature Of The Sea Are You??
brought to you by Quizilla
Cocktail
?? Which Alcoholic Drink Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla
Okay, I just took all the truly-dippy quizzes. I think I'm going to start making some quizzes for people to take, but I know that were I to do so, they'd have to be REALLY involved... but that'd be cool.... Way better than the quizzes where they don't even spell anything right. . . Maybe that can be my time-consuming project at work... that way I'll have something to do besides read.
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| Tuesday, May 18th, 2004
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1:34 pm
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| Friday, May 7th, 2004
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12:31 am
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| Tuesday, May 4th, 2004
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2:44 am - Long time, no type
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Well, here we are again... updating the journal after a long absence... I guess that's to be expected, me being who I am.
Anyway, not a whole lot has happened in the downtime. A few things are noticeable to those who know me. I dyed my hair black. *nods* Yup, been wanting to do it for a long time now, and I finally did. I felt, when I first looked in the mirror, that I was going in cognito. Like I was about to go spy. It looks very different. *looks around* Yeah, so... yeah.
More interesting was the conversation that I had with Jose. We talked for a while about life, the universe, and everything. I think it's impossible to talk to him long without feeling like I need to go... out... and do great things. I have little doubt that he will. He directed me to the website for the University of Nations in Kona, Hawaii. I want to go there. I want to leave this town. I want to be elsewhere, where I can be of use. This place is so stagnant for me. But it feels like I'm so tied to this place.
I wonder what would happen if I just went somewhere and tried to go to school. I mean out of the country. I bet I could apply for a scholarship somewhere. As an international student, I bet I could get some substantial scholarships. That would be awesome.
But then it would be just like everything else for me. My life, thus far, has been completely ADD. Everytime I think of something to do with my life, I look into it for a while and then find some reason not to do it. Like the Navy, and UNCG... and then massage therapy would be another thing tossed along the wayside. I guess it doesn't really matter what I do, but I need to stick with it. So maybe I'll get my certification for massage therapy and go into that for a while... it's not like people in other countries don't like to get massaged. *smile* Maybe I could just take the show on the road. But it would mean that I would have to stay here for another year, and I don't know if I could handle that.
*frown* Well, guess that's really it. Life, the universe, and everything. And work. Lots of work. Like, 40 whole hours a week. *rolls eyes*
I'll figure it out eventually. In the meantime, I'll just write my stupid stories.
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| Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
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2:07 pm - book meme
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The book closest to me was the bible.
"But Abimelech hadn't slept with her yet, so he said, "Lord will you slay an innocent man?..."
Who knew the bible was so racy?
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| Monday, March 15th, 2004
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5:52 pm
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Mmmrph. Why not....
I put in my usual alter-ego. I feel my whole livejournal experience was thrown off by the fact that I have to use this sub-nickname thing. I'm much more comfortable under Gwenhwyvar. I even type it faster. But... yeah. Dom thinks I look awesome. *grin*
Dom's my future husband. I'll just have to find a way to deal with his bugs.
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| Friday, February 6th, 2004
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2:31 am - Been Awhile
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Okay, so I've been long absent from my livejournal, but there is an explanation, I promise...
My mother is crazy. I mean, I love her. I think she's fantastic, but she's definitely certifiable. She thinks I messed up her computer. I didn't do nuffin' ta da woman's computer that I don't normally do. But I can't use it now.
She lets me check my e-mail with her permission, but other than that, I'm left kinda on the outside. Of cyberspace, that is.
Anyway, things are going alright here in general. I haven't gone to church as much, but I've been really getting into some Daniel *the book of the bible, that is* and that's been really neat. I don't think I can quite explain my revelations from it, but I guess I could try. They're rather important for me right now.
On the whole, the modern church tries to ignore the Old Testament, mostly because a lot of it is... well... unsavory. Things just seem to be so primitive back then, when faith was a new idea, and the law was raw and young.
Daniel teaches us about how the child-like faith that we're supposed to have can be converted to any lifestyle. Yeah, there's the cliche'd furnace and Shadrach, Meshack, and Abumblebee dudes (which I have a problem with since they still use their Babylonian names when Daniel gets to use his Jewish name when history remembers him), but beyond that, there's the story of a young man who survives king after king as the right-hand man. So many of them are completely against Daniel's god until He proves himself in some way or another. But Daniel's people are enslaved in a land far from home, and forced to do hard labor.
Daniel, instead of wondering why God would put them in such a terrible place, prays to God saying, O Lord, I'm SO sorry for the transgressions of my people. They've done such terrible things, and I know that this is why I'm here. Daniel, now, was a man of righteousness and holiness. He stood right with God, and he never wondered why he himself was there. He never wondered why bad things happened to good people. He assumed it was because you had your people and your people's fate was partly your own.
We've lost that sense of identity, I feel. Perhaps it comes of living life in a melting pot of cultures, perhaps it comes from the ability to communicate with others from all around the world and knowing that the core of humanity is unchanged from nation to nation. The fact of the matter is, though, that we do not *belong* to anything. I am a Christian, but I do not believe that the church's fate is my own. I am an American, but not an average American. A woman, but almost violently anti-feminist. I have no identity save my own.
We are taught that that is enough, though. That you can be your own person. In an age of tolerance, we are all individuals, cut off from each other, though we live in a time of newly opened communication. Our tolerance of one another has stripped away our sense of belonging, opening up a time of individualism unprecidented in history.
Well, this means that each man is his own island. Shut up in houses with television and air conditioning, I have never met my neighbors. I smile and wave at them when we pass on the streets, but I do not know their names.
Daniel, however, belonged so completely to his people and they to him that he felt that the burden of their sins fell too on his shoulders. Jeremy Goodall told me not too long ago that the definition of stress was accepting responsibility for something that is not your responsibility. But responsibility and fault are two different things.
It is not my fault that my little sister is not happy some days. But it can be my responsibility to cheer her up, to read her a story and make her smile.
It is not my fault that my parents are not Christians, but it can be my responsibility to show them what Jesus can be like when lived through on a daily basis.
It is not my fault that the church of America has watered down a message of incredible power into a drinkable draught, but it can be my responsibility to ask the right questions and inspire the right people.
Ah, like I said, I don't necessarily know how to put what I'm thinking into words, a new feeling for me, but I do know that there are quite a few differences in how I look at God now. Well, not necessarily God, but the application of who He is in my life. I begin to feel that a community feeling *can* be achieved in very different people, simply by showing them how very much they have in common after all.
Praise be unto the Lord of Hosts who commands at His right hands a hundred thousands of angels and at His left a hundred thousands of saints. Praise be unto the King of Light who showers upon darkness the painful brilliance of holiness!
Praise be unto the Prince of Peace, clearing the waters of turmoil in the minds of the near-fallen. And praise be unto He who picked me up when I could not fly and showed me the skies.
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| Sunday, December 28th, 2003
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12:55 am - *glows in the light of the snuggles*
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I'm so happy. I ended up getting people really good presents, *some of which are still undelivered* which was something that was stressing me out mightily. And I got paid, which alleviated a lot of stress, and when Christmas was finally over, I ended up being very happy with it.
Somehow, my "bah, humbug!" feeling went away suddenly on Christmas Eve and I just loved everyone. So now... I got to give away my presents and be happy with them and the people I was giving them to. *BTW, your reaction to my gift was wonderful, Kris. Ellen played it out for me* There's something warm and wonderful about giving people presents they really wanted. Mom got her slippers *which she's been wanting for a while now* and Dev got a nauseating gamecube game and a stuffed pegasus. I gave Steven all those STINKIN' games, and he liked them.
Christmas was a HUGE production, just like every year, and EVERYONE nailed their big present. Just did an excellent job. Everyone left most pleased, and I got a new cell phone out of the deal, so my friends will finally be able to get in contact with me. Which is fun, of course.
Anyway, it's really late, but I wanted to gush some of my warm, happy thoughts. Life is, indeed beautiful.
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| Monday, December 22nd, 2003
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12:03 am - RRRAAAAAHHHHH!!! *stab stab knife kill*
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Okay, I know the holidays are supposed to be a bit stressful. That's cool. But this is the second year when I have absolutely DREADED Christmas. Now, part of that is my family, because the more I think about them, the less I like them. My extended family, that is. I realized that I've spent more than a hundred dollars on this one uncle whose name I drew (like a secret Satan... er... Santa) even though I dont' really like him. He's always treated me with something akin to contempt, and I'm spending all kinds of money not because I want to but because that's what's expected of me. I don't even really want anything from these people. I want to leave them and not have to hear from them again. They're all judgmental and think so little of me anyway, and are constantly down on my dad, who so does not deserve anything but respect from these people. He's way better than any of them.
Grrr... Onward and ventward.
So then I'm training at this new job, and everyone says I'm doing really well, but I hate not knowing EXACTLY what I'm doing or being around people that know what I'm doing better than I do. It drives me bonkers. Add that with a healthy heaping of overtime (for a person unused even to a full-time schedule) and the fact that my job just likes to see how much they can mess with my sleeping schedule, and I have to physically bite my tongue to keep from cursing at the littlest things.
My little sister came to me and told me that any computer playing time must be doubled to figure out how much time we have to spend in the bible, and if Mom backs that little bit up, there will be words. I'm sorry, but that's a CRAP way to help your children get into the Word. Yes, I'm all about some Jesus, but right now, I'm working through my own issues. The problem is, I know she's going to feed me this line of "well, I just feel like that's what God's telling me to do." I hate that crap. Sorry, babe. God doesn't tell people to force others into getting close to Him. Maybe I'm not a bible scholar, but God's all about some free will.
I have to get the heck out of here.
I need a car.
I need some money.
I'm so frustrated. It's like I can't do anything to get myself standing and independent. My friend Crystal keeps talking about wanting me to move in with her and her boyfriend, and I really really really don't want to because I want to have a place of my own, where I'm not worried about coming home at an unexpected time to interrupt a bout of... er... fornication.
And I feel like I don't have anyone to go to. I mean, Ellen's great, but I need someone to beat up verbally. I want someone I can yell at for hours and have them know that it's nothing personal. I guess nobody really gets that. But I need it. Badly. I need to be able to punch something that doesn't bruise, that I don't need to feel bad about. I need a punching bag. That I can punch for hours and hours and hours.
I hate everybody today.
I'm emotionally and physically spent. God, don't let this Christmas be like last Christmas. I had a panic attack last Christmas. I had to leave early. I haven't really been around my family much this year, and the longer I stay away, the longer I want to stay away. Absence certainly doesn't make MY heart grow fonder. Except in one instance, and I should forget about that one.
I keep wanting to lash out at people near me. That's not fair, though. They don't deserve it. They haven't really done anything.
I think I'm going to go to bed.
Sleep may heal this particular wound.
Goodnight, world. If I never wake again... let it be known that I'm better off wherever I go.
current mood:  crappy
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| Thursday, December 4th, 2003
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1:41 am - Neato quiz
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you are turquoise
#40E0D0 |
Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well.
Your saturation level is higher than average - You know what you want, but sometimes know not to tell everyone. You value accomplishments and know you can get the job done, so don't be afraid to run out and make things happen.
Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.
| | the spacefem.com html color quiz |
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(2 comments | comment on this)
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| Tuesday, December 2nd, 2003
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3:25 am - *makes a quick note of the time*
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Yep. It's 3:30am. And heeeere I am. On the computer. Actually, I've been on the computer for the past nine hours or so. I'm going to go watch television in a minute. What's that you say? I don't have any channels? Ahhh, therein lies the rub, my friend.
Thing is, I'm not at my house. I'm at Cris's. She's my friend. I love her dearly. Usually, I don't have proof to back that kind of statement up, but today, I do. You want it? Too bad, I'm giving to you anyway.
My proof is in my day today, when I got up and tried not to yell at Ellen for asking the dog to bark loudly right outside my door. This was eleven. You know, most days I'm completely unaware that eleven o'clock occurs in the mornings as well as after the sun goes down, but the last few days have had me up with the sun. Not that I woke up when the sun did, but I was awake while it was. Usually the sun and I are ships passing in the... well, bad idiom, but you get the point.
Okay, well, so I got up extra-early for me. That's great. Just great. But that's not all, folks. I called Cris because there was a message on the machine from her for me to call her. So I did. Good friend, yes. Good smeagol. And she said that she wanted me to come over in a few hours to work on her project for nursing school. No, I'm not in nursing school. But I'm a good friend that can generally form well-put-together sentences when the occasion calls for it. So I was going to help her with this paper, we'd agreed on that, and she was going to pick me up in a few hours, which was about four hours earlier than she had planned on picking me up. Tha's coo. I can live.
So she comes and picks me up and drops Elle off at work 'cause poor thing's car is broken down. And we talk and I help her with her paper (being the one who can type pretty fast, I'm on the computer. I'm not saying I was writing it for her, but...well... yeah, I was). She basically did the research, and I was going to put together the thoughts into a paper. 'Cause she had three projects due the next day. The day that is now today. She had one of them completed, and the other two only had research attached to them.
I love Cris. Oooooo boy, do I ever love Crystal. The thing Cris didn't take into account this loverly day was that I would need to read the information she had researched. I couldn't just skim it and divine what needed to go into the paper. Just the reading took a while because Crystal thought we'd have plenty of time and we ended up chatting a bit.
Bleah. Then I ended up writing her other paper, the one that was a group project on something else. I know more about HIV and endometriosis than I ever wanted in my lifetime. Particularly endometriosis. Gross thing. Woman's disease and all that.
So I've written two papers, I'm pulling an all-nighter (the second paper *five pager* is still not finished and the pooped-out student who isn't me is in bed), and I'm not even in school anymore. I'm feeling a little like the world is unjust. I mean.... well... I wouldn't tell Cris this, but I'm a little upset, doing these dishonest things for her. I don't think I'd have as much a problem with all this if it wouldn't be so bad were she to get caught... or if it were widely accepted that it was okay to get your friend to write your paper for you, but that's not really the case, is it?
I mean, I don't really feel guilty, but people seem to be upset if I say that I'm doing this for her. So obviously it's a bad thing, yes? I don't think I could ask one of MY friends to write a paper for me... But I have trouble asking my friends for much of anything.
Anyway, I'm a little disjointed now because I can't fall asleep. There's this part in the paper that I can't do until I have Cris's help because it's about stuff she's learning that I can't know about. So I'm going to stay awake. I think she'll be awake in a couple of hours and I can ask her. It's just a paragraph, but she's asked to cover it in her paper.
I think I'm going to sleep for all of tomorrow. Tomorrow looks like an excellent day to sleep through.
current mood:  indescribable
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| Wednesday, November 26th, 2003
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3:14 am - Tired
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I'm exhausted. Not in the "boy, it's time to go to bed now, and everything will be better in the morning" kinda way. Really, I'm exhausted in the "Gee, is there an extra solitary confinement cell somewhere about?" kinda way. All around, just tired down to my bones.
Okay, so the past three days were wraught with emotional trauma. We did the intervention for my daddy, and he said he would accept help. Which put me on an energy-draining high streak. But then, oh, man... the next day. Monday took forever. Dev's hearing was then, and aparently, Mom was totally put on trial. Which seems kinda backward to me. After all, Alan should have been on trial. But I suppose there's a reason for everything. In the end, judge didn't like Mom and liked Alan a lot, and now he's got unsupervised visitation. Yuck. I had to sit down for a while and breathe on the couch when we got home, listening to my baby sister and mother crying in their bedroom and telling God that I trusted him.
He's been incredible through this, by the way. Every time I needed strength, all I needed to do was close my eyes and He totally flooded me with it. Strength and peace were flowing into me from above. I suppose, though, that in the end, every soldier gets tired. And that's where I am. These were some incredible battles and I'm just exhausted from them.
Today, I had a job interview, which wasn't bad, but it was an added stressor. Top that off with Thanksgiving approaching, meaning a noticeable increase in business (read busy-ness) at Hollywood, and you've got one pooped little Dana.
I guess these times have been good for me, though. They've taught me that I can trust God in the hard times, too. After all, there have been few times that I've felt so sharply. I've never cared so much about people, and it's hard not to pull away when things get rough. But no. I care a lot about my family, and God's been proving this to me through these times. That's not, of course, to say that God made my father an alcoholic, nor that He made my little sister have unsupervised visitation with Alan. However, He can always use bad situations so that they work out well. He doesn't want anyone to suffer, and one of the lessons He needed to teach me lately was that I cared. I've been so numb for so long that thawing hurts. But I'm being able to feel, even if it's unpleasant for a while.
In the meantime, I'm working out my frustrations. It seems like I've only just learned how to care, and I'm realizing why my friends were always so offended by my apathy. It seems like if I care about these people so deeply, they ought to care about what goes on in my life. The only people who really rejoiced and were upset with me were Israel, Paige, and Ros. I dunno... I guess that's really self-centered of me. After all, these things can consume my life and still not really matter to others. Just because I care about people doesn't mean that my friends will. They have their own people that they care about.
Anyway, I've been asking God for wisdom in so many areas that if He were to grant it all today, I'd be Solomon. I don't think I'm ready for that much wisdom, but God knows what I'm ready for and He gives me exactly what I need. I'm learning what it means now to have joy in the hard times. It doesn't mean to be happy. Happiness is an emotion. Joy means that you can smile. That you know that there is strength within you. It is the hope that sustains you. Joy is made from the knowledge of God. Because even in the hard times, you know you always have that reserve. *smile* So I'm going on. And, if tomorrow is another battle, I will be ready to fight. For now, though, I'll leave tomorrow's battles for tomorrow. It is time for me to rest.
current mood:  drained
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| Thursday, November 20th, 2003
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2:44 am - Sad sad.
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Okay, well, the week started out very well, but I'm starting to get bogged down. The weekend is swiftly approaching and, oh how I dread it! Saturday is going to be Thanksgiving Dinner with my Dad and Stepmother and Sister and Brother and then off I go! to work. Well, that wouldn't be too bad except that Sunday is going to be the day we confront Daddy about his drinking. Aparently, he hasn't been into work this week because he's been passed out. All week. He wasn't like this before. And it's getting worse. It can't keep going like this.
And then, well... after I get to do all that loveliness, which is so up in the air, I go on Monday to Devany's hearing. Where I have to see Alan. And Dev's reaction to him. Which'll be worse. She's going to be a wreck, and I'll have to be big for her, so that she is allowed to be little. I don't want Mom to have to support both of us emotionally. I guess this weekend will bring closure to a lot of stuff that's been stressing me out, but I wish that all my family problems didn't have to come at once.
There is a light, though. I'm optimistic about both encounters. After all, with the way Daddy's drinking is going, I'm sure he knows that things are not working out for him right now. He's always been a very reasonable man. I'm pretty sure we can convince him to get help. We all love him so much. And Dev's hearing is pretty much in the bag. Alan's never really done anything for her except buy her a gamecube, and I think that might even have been in Valerie's (his mother's) name. I don't think Dev will be forced into any further contact with Alan, so that'll be nice for her. I just wish she didn't have to see him now. And Mom, too. She'll be upset by it. Tension's pretty high in the house right now.
Anyway, I'm a little upset, so I think I'll just go on to bed. Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and things will be better. Or maybe God'll help me out a bit. It's nice to know that He's really there, though. I can feel him even now, standing behind me in that supportive way He has. *smile*
current mood:  anxious
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(comment on this)
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| Wednesday, November 19th, 2003
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3:33 pm - Please ignore the flurry of quizzes....
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3:22 pm - Tic-Tac Quiz
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*grin* I thought it was cute...
You are Spearmint.
You are quick-witted and sharp. You pay close
attention to details and you can tell what your
friends are feeling. You are always the first
to understand a joke and you are valued for
your insight and advice. However, you
sometimes isolate yourself from other people,
afraid to share your own feelings.
Most Compatible With: Cinnamon
Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
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(comment on this)
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3:01 pm - *grin*
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Awesomeness!! I didn't cheat on this one at all. *coughs pointedly*
You are Mem. Your cat-like senses make you a
fighter with potential. However your energy is
spent in writing. Oh well, it's what you do
best. Besides, anyone who argues with you will
have to deal with your quill.
Which fantasy character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
We are pleased.
current mood:  blank
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queenofprydein's journal
